I was still seeking my word for the year, and when I was pulling on my pants for the day it came to me.
"Open the door"
This has a lot of significance for me.
Just a bit of back story,.
I grew up in fear.
If I'd been the social worker on my case I'd have removed me from the house. As it was however, I was trapped and powerless to the constant abuse and fear.
I learned not to tell, since telling didn't save me and indeed the repercussions from telling one time were reminders that I was powerless. I learned to "close the door" when I could, and to disappear into my head when I couldn't.
As a teen, I closed my bedroom door, locked it, went into the bathroom locked that door, went into the closet and hid under the hanging clothes with my fists balled up, hiding.
I am older, even maybe old now. I still keep the door locked. I look out windows and reach past chain locks figuratively to others. (note to people who don't believe women are mistreated: there may be no physical evidence or witnesses, and perps know to hide their misdeeds, but that doesn't mean the woman isn't telling the truth. And hoping against hope to be believed)
So this year, it came in a flash, which means it's probably a result of prayer, that I could explore the process of opening the door.
Oh, make no mistake, I am an extrovert and talk to lots of people but inside is the girl who hid. Even lovely conversations are a bit like jumping out of an airplane to me sometimes. It's what I crave, the real connections between others, the connections that last and grow, that make me laugh and think.
I imagine I will learn when to open a door, and when to shut and lock it again, as not all people are trustworthy. I imagine I will learn when I want to open the door and how to put in place safety measures. I will learn that meaningful interactions will come from trusting the open door.
I will open it to new friendships, and to new experiences, to new business ventures, to new ways of seeing the world, to opportunities. I want to finally do the ancestry test to maybe finally find family.
I hope to learn how to trust myself to handle life with less fear.
I expect to learn aspects of it both positive and negative. There is nothing in this world all one sided, every "entitlement" comes with a responsibility or a payment.
I was scared when this thought of "open the door" came to me. My first response was fear. A legacy of abuse that never quite goes away. The thought of this tugged at emotional scars that still inhibit me.
like the year I chose forgiveness... and learned the ins and outs of that concept, I knew this to be important.
Open the door to life
I hope on the plus side, to be open to new art expression, to self belief, to friendships, to going to new places, to trying new activities. I long to be connected to people and to approach life with excitement not dread, and when I told a friend of these words, she called me brave.
I am not brave, but I push through the fears. I just want to be more relaxed and self assured that I can handle things. I want to find the delicate balance between safety and risk.
I want to experience the good that comes from opening the door to life.
Well, I started by being open about my life here today. Risky, but worth it if I put words to how anyone else feels too. I wonder who else out there has hidden fears that hinder them from feeling free.