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| our last day... my face shows the hours of crying that morning |
We want to take this opportunity to thank you all. Thank you for upholding us with shared tears, with words of kindness, with love and with prayers. Cole's Dad read each email and comment with gratitude.
We passed the two week mark on Friday, but seems like two years worth of tears.
The fact that Cole was not human does not diminish the fact that Love is
love. Loss is loss and a hole in your heart takes time to heal. It will take some more time to work through the stages
of grief.
I loved Cole. I work at
home, not that I can work these days.
Every time I look at a clock I say " 1pm! Still? Only 1? Then 2? Only 2? Still?
I've managed to get through the days. I burst into tears Friday, had to
just leave the empty house, and to walk. It's 105 deg with oppressive
humidity. I realized later that was at 3, the time of our appt two weeks earlier,
when I said goodbye.
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| from Nancy |
I believe I am coming to feel less guilty for agreeing to the shot. I am
coming to the necessity of it. I was also
thinking about my lab Chelsea. She also had cancer and was really at the
end when we took her in. She was so tired she did not have energy to
fight it and yet I felt the wrenching pain of deciding life and death for
her. It was even harder for Cole.
People say "you'll know when..." but that is not always true.
I knew for Chelsea but not Cole because he was strong aside from the tumor blockage. He fought it, didn't want to go, wanted
me to save him and run from the vet.
Even when you know what must be done, when nothing else can save them from more pain, you might (like me) feel guilty for making the decision to let go.
Cole and I had a bond, a communication between us. It took me by
surprise, that he made his thoughts known to me so readily. It's such a
loss. We are going thru toys, and throwing
away old pillows he slept (bled) on, and meds, and treats half eaten.
Each is letting go. Peeling my "fingers" off him. Slogging through a stage of grief.
True to how he always was, he sent a strong message to dig those found balls out of the trash and make a cairn for him out back.
I always said he was like a 6 year old boy, who might come home with all kinds of found treasures in his jeans pockets. Cole kept his poodle eyes open on walks, and came back with odds and ends, and often balls found on the road then carried for a mile home. He loved his found objects and would check each time leaving the house that they were where he left them by the door! I stacked three of these out back and enjoy seeing them too.
Your kindnesses have held me up, when waves of loss wash over.
I can touch the cards, the gifts of art, and read your words in emails.
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| See the magnet from Oscar and the fiberart post card from Carol, the black dog from Maria and the felt Cole from Monika |
Funny, we used to say things like, we'll travel when Cole leaves us. The
irony is we don't feel like traveling without him. We won't have to
seek a dog hotel. We won't take a water bowl or be stopped by
tourists to take a picture, or have people ask to pet the
fluffy poodle. We won't get to see him shopping in a new town, or see
his glee while running, or watch him sniff each blossom on a bush. We
hope to get away soon, to see if we can find healing in another
place.
Momma's
good boy... may you have fluffy clouds to lay on, lots of ice cream,
critters to watch, and angels to hold your paw and remind you we didn't
want to let go... but now you can soar.
Cole left two posts for everyone. One is "Cole's Capers... getting a massage at the spa" and one is "Don't pen me in!--or--Momma come to bed!" I hope to post these this week, to honor him in the way he reached you all to begin with... through his humor and fun.
I was not able to look at pictures until now.
I am writing more stories from his youth... and he was hilarious. What a happy strong smart boy he was! Those will go in a book.
For now, know I appreciate each one of you for reaching out to me, even if I couldn't respond right away.
Your words and the tangible love you sent means so much. Bless you.
