Sunday, August 14, 2016

An open thank you for love

our last day... my face shows the hours of crying that morning
We want to take this opportunity to thank you all. Thank you for upholding us with shared tears, with words of kindness, with love and with prayers. Cole's Dad read each email and comment with gratitude.
We passed the two week mark on Friday, but seems like two years worth of tears.

The fact that Cole was not human does not diminish the fact that Love is love. Loss is loss and a hole in your heart takes time to heal. It will take some more time to work through the stages of grief.
 I loved Cole. I work at home, not that I can work these days.

Every time I look at a clock I say " 1pm! Still? Only 1? Then 2? Only 2? Still?

I've managed to get through the days. I burst into tears Friday, had to just leave the empty house, and to walk. It's 105 deg with oppressive humidity. I realized later that  was at 3, the time of our appt two weeks earlier,  when I said goodbye.
from Nancy
 I believe I am coming to feel less guilty for agreeing to the shot. I am coming to the necessity of it. I was also thinking about my lab Chelsea. She also had cancer and was really at the end when we took her in. She was so tired she did not have energy to fight it and yet I felt the wrenching pain of deciding life and death for her.  It was even harder for Cole.

People say "you'll know when..." but that is not always true.
I knew for Chelsea but not Cole because he was strong aside from the tumor blockage.  He fought it, didn't want to go, wanted me to save him and run from the vet.

Even when you know what must be done, when nothing else can save them from more pain, you might (like me)  feel guilty for making the decision to let go.

Cole and I had a bond, a communication between us. It took me by surprise, that he made his thoughts known to me so readily. It's such a loss. We are going thru toys,  and throwing away old pillows he slept (bled) on, and meds, and treats half eaten. Each is letting go. Peeling my "fingers" off him. Slogging through a stage of grief.

True to how he always was, he sent a strong message to dig those found balls out of the trash and make a cairn for him out back.
 I always said he was like a 6 year old boy, who might come home with all kinds of found treasures in his jeans pockets. Cole kept his poodle eyes open on walks, and came back with odds and ends, and often balls found on the road then carried for a mile home. He loved his found objects and would check each time leaving the house that they were where he left them by the door! I stacked three of these out back and enjoy seeing them too.
hand felted poodle from Monika at tailsaroundtheranch
 Your kindnesses have held me up, when waves of loss wash over.
I can touch the cards, the gifts of art, and read your words in emails.
See the magnet from Oscar and the fiberart post card from Carol, the black dog from Maria and the felt Cole from Monika

Funny, we used to say things like, we'll travel when Cole leaves us. The irony is we don't feel like traveling without him. We won't have to seek a dog hotel. We won't take a water bowl or be stopped by tourists to take a picture, or have people ask to pet the fluffy poodle. We won't get to see him shopping in a new town, or see his glee while running, or watch him sniff each blossom on a bush. We hope to get away soon, to see if we can find healing in another place.
 Momma's good boy... may you have fluffy clouds to lay on, lots of ice cream, critters to watch, and angels to hold your paw and remind you we didn't want to let go... but now you can soar.
Cole left two posts for everyone. One is "Cole's Capers... getting a massage at the spa" and one is "Don't pen me in!--or--Momma come to bed!"  I hope to post these this week, to honor him in the way he reached you all to begin with... through his humor and fun.
I was not able to look at pictures until now.

I am writing more stories from his youth... and he was hilarious. What a happy strong smart boy he was! Those will go in a book.

For now, know I appreciate each one of you for reaching out to me, even if I couldn't respond right away.
Your words and the tangible love you sent means so much. Bless you.


  1. I am truly sorry for your loss. He was loved dearly and I'm sure will have a spot in your hearts forever. Treasure the wonderful memories you have of him. I wish I had a bottle of Magic Pixie Dust that I could sprinkle and make the pain of such a loss go away.


  2. Leeanna~I'm so sorry for your loss. It takes such courage to let a loved one go. Someone has said that the love of a pet is so strong, that their life is shorter for it. You and your husband loved him so well, and he so loved you~I hope you can find peace in the memories.

  3. Very touching ! You're so welcome. I know the cards and gifts don't take away the pain but they sure do help to ease the grief and express to you the love that we all have for you, Cole and Drew. The pictures look fantastic. I'm so happy to get you all three in that picture together , so heartwarming... ❤️ You guys!

  4. Hi LeeAnna and Drew,
    Such beautifully written words and emotions and photos...
    Take care,

  5. my heart is as heavy as a rock and my tears are running for Cole, for Chelsea and for you... I felt the same as I had to make "this" decision once...
    Hugs to you all, Cole is in our heart furever..

  6. So sorry for your loss. I will miss seeing him in your posts. I have two aging poodles and two that are younger. I know the time will come soon when two of them will be leaving us and I can't bear to think about it. Blessings to you in your time of grief.

  7. LeeAnna, so, so sorry to hear about Cole. I know he was your life. Your post broke my heart as we all know that feeling of losing such a dear companion. Hugs to you. I will miss seeing him in your posts.

  8. I have been so busy I got behind on my blog reading. I am so sorry to hear about Cole. It is so hard to lose one who gives perfect love. From reading your blog I know he was filled with personality! Hugs to you both. I pray you will heal.

  9. LeeAnna, I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. You are so right that you don't always know when its time and I feel how hard that was for you. I will miss Cole's Capers, he reminded me so much of my Farley. She has been gone 9 years and I still miss her. I am sending you both love and hugs.

  10. Your sweet poignant post brought tears to my eyes. We all know that agonizing sense of loss. I hope you know that we are sharing the hurt with you, LeeAnna. Run free from your ailing body, sweet Cole. Sam and I both hope you get all the ice cream and watermelon to your heart's content now and send many hugs to your *pawrents.* ღ

  11. You are so in our prayers my sweet friend. Cole was a friend to all of us and we love him and ya'll!! Hogs and snout kisses. XOXO - Bacon

  12. Thank you for posting those most precious photos. In the top one of the three of you, Cole is looking so alive and expectant. I'm sure he still has that same look, waiting for you to join him.
    Much love and blessings, Paula

  13. Big hugs and all my thoughts to you and your family! I know how it feels to loose such a good friend and a real member of the family.
    Greetings from Germany, Rike

  14. Why does love hurt so much sometimes?

  15. What a beautiful post and such sweet gentle photos. I admire how you can talk about your loss in such a direct and heartfelt way.

  16. Many more hugs to both of you. I know only too well how much it hurts. Mary Ann

  17. Such a beautiful and special boy. Never to be forgotten.

  18. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear, sweet Cole. Thanks for sharing your words (and Cole's). Take care.

  19. I'm sorry to hear about Cole. Your adventures of him were enjoyable. Thank you for sharing Cole.

    Sarah, Shadow, and Stealth

  20. It is such a slog in the early days. Then there are the big milestones that are hard too - one month, one year. It takes a long time - but eventually there are more smiles than tears. (I love the felted poodle you got from Monika. Very sweet.)

  21. I'm sorry I'm so late in responding to this. I'm breathtakingly sad for your family. Cole had such a sweet and open spirit, and he was so happy to be alive. I could see that in every photo you took. I will miss those photos.

    Jean from Welcome to the Menagerie