|our last day... my face shows the hours of crying that morning|
The fact that Cole was not human does not diminish the fact that Love is love. Loss is loss and a hole in your heart takes time to heal. It will take some more time to work through the stages of grief.
Every time I look at a clock I say " 1pm! Still? Only 1? Then 2? Only 2? Still?
I've managed to get through the days. I burst into tears Friday, had to just leave the empty house, and to walk. It's 105 deg with oppressive humidity. I realized later that was at 3, the time of our appt two weeks earlier, when I said goodbye.
People say "you'll know when..." but that is not always true.
I knew for Chelsea but not Cole because he was strong aside from the tumor blockage. He fought it, didn't want to go, wanted me to save him and run from the vet.
Even when you know what must be done, when nothing else can save them from more pain, you might (like me) feel guilty for making the decision to let go.
Cole and I had a bond, a communication between us. It took me by surprise, that he made his thoughts known to me so readily. It's such a loss. We are going thru toys, and throwing away old pillows he slept (bled) on, and meds, and treats half eaten. Each is letting go. Peeling my "fingers" off him. Slogging through a stage of grief.
True to how he always was, he sent a strong message to dig those found balls out of the trash and make a cairn for him out back.
I always said he was like a 6 year old boy, who might come home with all kinds of found treasures in his jeans pockets. Cole kept his poodle eyes open on walks, and came back with odds and ends, and often balls found on the road then carried for a mile home. He loved his found objects and would check each time leaving the house that they were where he left them by the door! I stacked three of these out back and enjoy seeing them too.
|hand felted poodle from Monika at tailsaroundtheranch|
I can touch the cards, the gifts of art, and read your words in emails.
|See the magnet from Oscar and the fiberart post card from Carol, the black dog from Maria and the felt Cole from Monika|
Funny, we used to say things like, we'll travel when Cole leaves us. The irony is we don't feel like traveling without him. We won't have to seek a dog hotel. We won't take a water bowl or be stopped by tourists to take a picture, or have people ask to pet the fluffy poodle. We won't get to see him shopping in a new town, or see his glee while running, or watch him sniff each blossom on a bush. We hope to get away soon, to see if we can find healing in another place.
I was not able to look at pictures until now.
I am writing more stories from his youth... and he was hilarious. What a happy strong smart boy he was! Those will go in a book.
For now, know I appreciate each one of you for reaching out to me, even if I couldn't respond right away.
Your words and the tangible love you sent means so much. Bless you.