end of year, start of year, and being real with you... not easy to feel, or read... but real goals

reach

  about this time of year I pick a word focus for the next year... 

not this year. I'm tired.  I'm worried.  I am lonely and not my best self. 

there... that's pretty honest, and I am honest.

So I go into 2022 appreciating what I still have, but with less hope and excitement than I've ever had. Only thing I can do is keep going best I can. It's not enough but it is... what it is....These feelings remind me of a time when...

... long ago, I lost hope at finding love and a family. I acknowledged abuses from childhood and it rocked my world. I prayed to  escape the loneliness, from feeling unwanted, from lack of hope. I went to work daily, I cared for my dog, and from the outside I looked normal. Inside it was like looking in a shattered mirror. 

 

When out walking one day, I crossed a busy street, tears running down my face, and heard an unmistakable voice in my head. I actually stopped for a moment causing some horns to honk. I looked around me for a person,  startled. The voice had said clearly,

 "stop asking me how to die and ask me how to live". 

I am a spiritual woman, I believe there is more under heaven and earth than can be seen, and I believe we as humans come to this world to experience, learn and grow. I instinctively knew that was God's words. I asked, how do I live?

 A therapist told me, during a particularly difficult time of learning to deal with past abuses, that the only thing to do was deal with the pain. There is no easy way out or around it,   just through it to strength. I soldiered on eventually learning how to format my childhood. Miraculously I did meet my soul mate a few years later. However...

 Life continued to send me obstacles this time by way of physical injuries

I continued to learn how to forgive and move forward, this time with support of a husband.

Too much for a blog? Don't want to hear this? All I can say is I betcha I'm not alone in dealing with pain of various kinds and there is support in sharing life with others. We can support each other, and everyone needs support at some time in their lives.  

This is me sharing... at the start of a new year

My goal is to balance the loneliness, hopelessness at instability in my beloved country, and the hate spewed online toward other humans, with creativity, learning and experiencing what I can from the safety of home. I have much and if I can keep my eyes on what is good, then a balance is achievable.

some people say look at the bright side, and there is a bright side. That doesn't negate the other side of uncertainty, lack of security, pain and fear. People are complex and denying the pain doesn't make it go away.Acceptance of both sides of the coin is a tool to power through the darkness.

goals this year for me:

get a new phone and learn to use it (replacing the extinct "barbie" sized one that has failed to keep up, study another language (Italian) sew and paint a lot, trying new techniques and sharing results with you here, talking to friends via zoom or phone to reduce isolation, reading good books and returning those that don't interest me with no guilt, reducing the recordings on my dvr, clearing off the kitchen table, being patient with my good husband and our poodle son. Possibly actually turning in an ancestry test finally. Putting the dust ruffle on our bed that I've meant to do for three years now. Learning to make new recipes, and opening the piano keyboard I've owned for years and maybe taking some lessons. I used to play piano.  Allow myself to find fun where I can online or by resting, or being outside. Pray for goodness to overcome evil, and that our democracy holds with respect for all citizens

Now...a friend of mine recently wrote on her blog, this statement. It stunned me with it's honesty and beauty. ( from SewPreeti quilts)

 I join you, Preeti in choosing to be honest and promote goodness.

"It has been a difficult year beginning with a deadly attack on the very heart of our democracy.  While many Americans resist vaccines, masks and distancing guidelines, the virus continues to evolve with strains that are deadlier and more contagious, resulting in an increasing number of breakthrough infections. The assault on our democracy, our voting rights and our bodies continues. It seems like a helpless situation and I don't have any answers. But we do have choices.

In every situation we have a choice - to speak the truth and do what is right. I promise to do both.

As I put 2021 in the rear view mirror and the road ahead seems unclear, I pray for goodness to overcome evil, wherever it may be.  I hope you will join me." Preeti's quote

 I saw the mask meme on http://scrappingcavewoman.blogspot.com/ . 

My view: We are in a world wide health crisis that has changed all our lives. 

Denying it is real is unproductive.

people seem to think they have the absolute right to do anything they want as if they are still 2 years old. Noone can do anything they want without consequences. Just my opinion... go about your day if you disagree.

To those who listen and care, thank you, a goodness is never wasted. As my friend Nancy says, it's a Mitzvah.

New word for a new year

 

Cheers!

Everyone has their own list of goals for a new year, and might choose a focus word as well. 

 I have learned and grown so much over the last 10 years by choosing a focus word. Not always what I thought I'd experience though!  There is no pressure to use that word, but I've noticed in choosing one, it teaches me all year, comes up when I least expect it, gives me a focus.

I decided to choose as my starting word of the year, "Recover"

word choices has a list of words to start you on your search

It has a lot of meanings, among them, physically, emotionally, mentally, and historically.

I think you should pick "play" Mama... I love it when you laugh! It makes me nearly wag my tail off!

so for the first half of the year I hope to recover, and return to my charming positive self, one who lives alongside hope. I considered "hope" for my word, as I have felt nearly despondent for the last few years so maybe I'll pick that word up mid year.

 Last year's word seems odd now.... "open the door" since most of us closed the door to so much in an effort to control the viral threat to our citizens of the world. Then again, open the door could be figurative, right? I opened the door to learning online, to learning technology that helped me visit online too. I was forced to overcome fear and anxiety in order to express myself artistically as that used to come from a happy place and now I needed to muscle through.

I learned that working to create was just as valuable as when it came easily. I could direct my feelings and or escape them, in order to create.

 I have a list of goals for this coming 12 months...but don't need to outline them here. I want to learn and practice 4 particular art skills this year, finish some things, start even more. I'd like to play piano again, and be able to read a novel with attention since so much of this year was reading the same sentence over and over. I'd like to write fiction again. So much of my personality was controlled by the lack of security this year, not surprisingly but while some friends railed against not being able to mingle, I just wanted to be safe. That seemed almost unreachable. 

Safety is important to me. 

just capture a thought or gesture

 I liked the quote on Seth's blog yesterday

"Here’s to justice, health and peace of mind as we choose an attitude of possibility and resilience in 2021"

Going to a party!

https://paintpartyfriday.blogspot.com/

rosie and the boys nature pics   

T is for chooseday the importance of space and thoughts on word of the year

 

this measuring spoon says a "smidgen"

this week I read a post on someone's word of the year and I remembered it's time to choose mine. 

Oh, none chosen yet... and last year's word fell apart for the first time since I started doing this years ago. I found out how important these words are, how much I learned each year by leaving myself open to the experience. 

I also discovered that I seldom learned or experienced what I thought I would. 

Back to my online friend's word... empty.( read her post here ) On first thought you might wonder why someone wants to explore emptiness. 

I told her, "this sounds like a Buddhist way of being to me, peaceful, empty, making room for the daily blessings"... adding....

"If a room is empty, any ornament becomes the focus "

Then I stopped to read what I'd written and realized how important this is.

Imagine being able to live with a bit of room, of letting go of some preordained concepts that do not fit, of making emotional space for new experiences, of making room for new friends, of clearing away things you no longer need making room for that which you now need. 

Anyway, she made me think and that is a good thing. I will be thinking about my word for the year. Last year I chose a phrase:

"open the door" and thought I would open myself to new things, experiences, places and people. Then the virus struck and it was not safe to open any doors. I began to hear people who live  around me saying idiotic things, dangerous things, hateful things because they believed the rhetoric of one man instead of looking for facts. They listened when he told them I was their enemy instead of being just another citizen with a different point of view.

I became increasingly isolated and depressed. 

When you choose a word, mostly you will learn sideways. I learned how others 'close their doors', I learned when to open my own and when I felt safer closing it. I learned why some people are closed off, and it had something to do with perceived safety. I learned a lot this year, from my phrase. 

We are approaching a time when we can make a fresh start. I hope others will empty themselves of preconceptions and old beliefs that are not based in facts, me too. I hope that word presents itself over the next month so I can start anew too. 

 For my friends at T is for Tuesday, where we talk about our creative lives and show what we're drinking  my  photo of assorted drinks in the fridge. 

new little beaded coasters

 

Creatively I am trying to be in the moment and notice what is around me. Colors, lines, repetition, balance. Nature is a great artist if we slow down to see. I used to have a great quote on my studio wall in Maryland, and cannot find it now, but it said something like

The artist paints mainly what she sees, but what she sees is what she looks for

I love color, saturated color and took on the challenge to use light neutrals as my focus this month. 

one block on top of another changes both of them

At first I balked... no way! I don't see the value in that! It's not exciting or colorful! Bah! Then..... I opened my mind to what neutrals were, and discovered a calmness and gentleness in using low contrast. I used enough contrast to see the lines of my art, and yet allowed my mind to make order of the lines. It's like a conversation where the viewer makes up their own minds about what is there. 

To come full circle it's like making space, like becoming empty so that we can start anew. 

Open the door

 "words of the year", take deux

I was still seeking my word for the year, and when I was pulling on my pants for the day it came to me.

"Open the door"

This has a lot of significance for me.
Just a bit of back story,.
I grew up in fear.
If I'd been the social worker on my case I'd have removed me from the house. As it was however, I was trapped and powerless to the constant abuse and fear.
I learned not to tell, since telling didn't save me and indeed the repercussions from telling one time were reminders that I was powerless. I learned to "close the door" when I could, and to disappear into my head when I couldn't.
As a teen, I closed my bedroom door, locked it, went into the bathroom locked that door, went into the closet and hid under the hanging clothes with my fists balled up, hiding.

I am older, even maybe old now. I still keep the door locked. I look out windows and reach past chain locks figuratively to others. (note to people who don't believe women are mistreated: there may be no physical evidence or witnesses, and perps know to hide their misdeeds, but that doesn't mean the woman isn't telling the truth. And hoping against hope to be believed)

So this year, it came in a flash, which means it's probably a result of prayer, that I could explore the process of opening the door.
 Oh, make no mistake, I am an extrovert and talk to lots of people but inside is the girl who hid. Even lovely conversations are a bit like jumping out of an airplane to me sometimes. It's what I crave, the real connections between others, the connections that last and grow, that make me laugh and think.

 I imagine I will learn when to open a door, and when to shut and lock it again, as not all people are trustworthy. I imagine I will learn when I want to open the door and how to put in place safety measures. I will learn that meaningful interactions will come from trusting the open door.
I will open it to new friendships, and to new experiences, to new business ventures, to new ways of seeing the world, to opportunities. I want to finally do the ancestry test to maybe finally find family.

I hope to learn how to trust myself to handle life with less fear.
I expect to learn aspects of it both positive and negative. There is nothing in this world all one sided, every "entitlement" comes with a responsibility or a payment.

I was scared when this thought of "open the door" came to me. My first response was fear. A legacy of abuse that never quite goes away. The thought of this tugged at emotional scars that still inhibit me.
yet
like the year I chose forgiveness... and learned the ins and outs of that concept, I knew this to be important.
 Open the door to life
I hope on the plus side, to be open to new art expression, to self belief, to friendships, to going to new places, to trying new activities.  I long to be connected to people and to approach life with excitement not dread, and when I told a friend of these words, she called me brave.

I am not brave, but I push through the fears. I just want to be more relaxed and self assured that I can handle things. I want to find the delicate balance between safety and risk.
I want to experience the good that comes from opening the door to life.

Well, I started by being open about my life here today. Risky, but worth it if I put words to how anyone else feels too. I wonder who else out there has hidden fears that hinder them from feeling free.

word of the year

which way do we go???

I usually choose a focus word for the year, and it teaches me.

Sometimes the word leads to great discoveries, sometimes to growth, mostly to awareness.
Life is busy, often hectic, and one must really try to remain driven by one's values.

what will my word for 2020 be? at first I thought it was 'See' what's here, see what is real, see beauty in the day to day, see things clearly, see my goals and see others.

Have you ever done something by rote, and not be in the moment at all? Sometimes surprised you drove all the way home without seeing the road? Eaten dinner without tasting it? Petted the dog/cat without feeling it.

I want a word that makes me more mindful. I hope the word helps me focus instead of having worries and intrusive thoughts swirling around interrupting living. I am realistic, if something is wrong or unattractive I acknowledge that as real but don't always let that stop me. I am not one to put on rose colored glasses so I can't see the way things are, I see them and still love.
I hope to see more beauty this year.
To see new places.
To see beyond the present.
to see what I want to paint, really see it for edges, shadows, highlights
To see the people that come into my life even for a moment
To notice and acknowledge.

I do know... you see what you look for.

but "SEE" while valuable, doesn't resonate with me. so I went to a site that tried to help one choose a word, and I saw these: connect, embrace, learn, hope, self-acceptance, courage.
In their way, they all resonate but...

Last year my word was explore, and I let fears get in the way of fully using the word. I'm only human after all. Perfectly imperfect.

so while I wait for a word to surface:

I'd like to :
write more
join a guild... one I've not done before like bead makers, writers, or doll makers
see and note the good things my husband does for us
read a lot
use my resources without concern about using them up
see people that could become friends, which means risk and effort
drink more water
do what I can to encourage Americans to respect each other again, even if we disagree, there must be acceptance of differences, cooperation, and respect. Please, start building bridges and stop wanting walls.  

I joined a free workshop at this site, to help me discover a word for the year... I like the spiritual but respectful content a lot: https://abbeyofthearts.com/blog/2019/11/29/give-me-a-word-2020/

word of the year... Explore!

revolving, evolving worlds, color and sparkle

 

how did you do with last year's word of the year?
(the above image was taken at the Denver Museum of Art)

My word was change last year...

What a year it was, and I learned that choosing a word means you learn about all sides of it, the good and the bad.

I think in the back of my mind I hope to learn the good from a word, but I often get kicked around by them.
This year I learned change isn't always good or for the better. Changes can be too numerous and overwhelming. Many changes are not for the better, they just are life.  I learned I like changes when I choose to experience them but when they are forced on me like a bad cocktail guest, not good.

I learned it takes strength to face change, acceptance to cope with it, and mental effort to process it.

there is a lot out there to explore

This year I considered a phrase of the year, being very specific as the universe needs to know just what I want, lol. What about  "experience good things". Just for balance you understand... I've done the other side of that, now I'd like to know what it's like to fall butter side up.

Somehow our luck needs to change for the better this year.
We do everything we know to do, to prepare, to foresee issues, to handle life, but somehow we are always picking up life's pieces, with some having rolled under a sofa. 

The main word, the focus for this year,

will be "EXPLORE"

explore ideas for art, make more, see more in museums and work done by other artists. I'd like to explore new groups here, since there are groups of painters, beaders, doll makers, writers, ancestry, etc. I'll visit the groups and see if the atmosphere feels good or restrictive.

Explore publishing. I'd like to work on my novel this year. It has a mystery element, and I realized I must come up with the mystery and solve it!
Explore music again. I grew up playing piano, and have a keyboard I've not opened. I have a ukelele I want to  play again too, so maybe find a teacher this time.

Explore making art with my supplies, use them freely without concern for waste. Each time I make something I learn about the principles of design. It releases my spirit. I forget time and pain.

Explore the area... see the West... visit towns, go and do.

Explore will define itself as the year progresses. Explore will teach me, and give unexpected experiences.

At the end of 2018, I joined a small new art quilt group with people I like, who want to grow in their art. I have learned to be alone this year, but also know I thrive by being with people who are smart and funny, engaged in life, accepting of others, and that like who I am.I've learned to walk away from people who are the opposite. Age has it's merits.

My list of goals for this year... along with breathe deeply and keep going...

Take Ukelele lessons

Set up the keyboard and play piano again

Paint weekly/ draw/write on the novel

Pursue publishing

Read or look through quilting books

Organize the studio totally

     Go through patterns

     List books

     Sort fabric drawers

      UFO’s sort and decide

Journal quilts

Drink more water, eat better, try to sleep well

Dance again

See the area…get in the car and go to new towns.

Open each box in basement

Contact friends, set up dates, meet for game nights

Meet like minded people who are accepting and smart, funny and creative, and kind

Join some groups like beaders, writers, ancestry, doll makers, painters

Use my supplies with abandon even on work that won’t be shown or competitive

Learn to use my digital 'slr' camera and edit photo software

Write more studio interviews and post on blog which means visit studios

Explore

Uh Oh, me too, short arms...Oh they meant meteors... never mind!

Shadow Sunday #1

 If you aren't the lead dog, the view never changes...

There are a group of photographers who share shadow photos on Sunday HERE and I am joining in their link party today.

We have moved to the "high desert" and the sky is an ever changing light show. Something about the altitude, the Rocky Mountains Range, the particular circumstances of this place makes for a wonderful light show each day. Clouds are different here.

You will never be bored here, if you just look up. We can see a snow storm happening miles away as the clouds rip open crossing the mountains, while we have clear skies. This week I saw rain from very far away, hitting small areas, while next to them was clear sun. The sun is intense.

It creates wonderful shadows and I tried to capture a few for you today.

This is a path between homes. The official temp can be 50 F. but in the sun it feels like 75.

Trees and shade are at a premium here. One becomes grateful for a bit of shadow. The same temp of 50F feels like 30 when the sun starts to set and the wind picks up.
It's all relative.

This guardian is either in full shadow, or highlighted. What percentage of shadow does it take to then just mention highlights? The opposite of shadow? If I tried to paint this, people would say, that's not right! Not normal! However, it is right here in real life!

It's difficult to capture Milo still... so his shadow is constantly changing. We know this is a poodle with a toy and chewed up leash... We know it's a dog but look at just the shadow... Again, if I painted this, people would say how odd! That's not right, but here it is.

A shadow chicken.  Cluck cluck cluck!

If I made a piece of art like this, would it be considered absurdist? Yet, here it is!

To leave you today, a very quiet, still shot of a shadow. It is still but you know as the sun moves, the clouds build or recede, it changes minute to minute in real time.

Life is like that... constantly changing.
Change in all it's manifestations is my word of the year...

word of the year... Change

little snips of fabric create a picture with a message

It is a very important decision each year, the choice of a "word of the year"

It becomes a focus, a working framework, a way of learning and viewing the world. It will crop up over and over all year. Lessons will be presented, growth occurs. I've done this for many years and am always surprised at what surfaces for me.

Seldom what I expected when choosing the word.
So for this year... my word is change

I considered "learn" but learning is just a small aspect of the greater concept of change.

After writing to my friend Eliza, I understood myself better, which is often the case. Somehow in the writing, or  talking to, a friend,  I find out what I think, how I feel...what's important.

I used to think I liked change. I realized I like variety,  not change. 

I wrote to her:
"I like to know what's coming and follow a routine of my choosing.
Random change is unsettling, causing constant learning and decision making to cope. I do not like it. My friend June wrote that the Chinese symbol for change is the same as opportunity. I need to focus more on the opportunity aspect of it.
After all the changes that started when Cole passed, I seem unable to even pick out lunch.
 I hope to explore better coping skills for change... so that must become my word.

 Learning will ride along side like an assistant

Decisions are not always marked with lights and an arrow around them saying, "PICK ME!" We make decisions, big and small and live with the consequences. Maybe we learn for the future but usually we just accept the changes that come with them.  


 Drew and I still torment ourselves over the decision to move here. One day, on our lovely porch in Maryland, Drew said he felt he was holding his breath, waiting to start life.

That day we started our journey to figure out how to live life not just hold on. Thrive not survive.

We both feel regret about the move but now must live with it. We knew something had to change but what? We took action.


I moved for health but now I am panting all the time, and swollen, and in pain. I have large black bags under both eyes. I feel worse. I don't fit in. We are spending so much on the move and this large pretty house has a broken dishwasher they won't fix, a broken cabinet door, expanses of flooring I can't clean, a rocking toilet in the master bath and is so close to neighbors Milo can't relax. Daily I find broken and lost items I cared about in these anonymous brown boxes. More traffic, and more ice to cope with.

It's not home.

I woke saying we have to stop going over the decision, to admit it may have been a mistake or not, we took action to try to better our lives, and need to commit. I need to find peace with the changes.

"Let yourself Soar" made for Hoffman Challenge (I used their fabric for her hair) 

(the quilt was made for the Hoffman challenge one year, and is lovely full of metallic threads, sheers, painting, piece work and applique, with a personal message. It was rejected even though I won a prize for the quilt the year before)

Change
No doubt the universe will hit me hard with lessons this year. I remember the year I chose release and ended up releasing more than I suspected I would.

My fear of change must be overcome by a desire for growth

This song keeps running through my mind...

the words...
"Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh, I don't know
Well, I've been afraid of changin'

But time makes you bolder...children get older
And I'm getting older, too, so...

I like this new young thing's words

follow your arrow wherever it points

This one was written for graduates, but I hope to be a graduate of life and it applies to me too

lyrics: you got this! you are one in a million so move ahead with confidence you got this!

Thank you for walking this journey of life alongside me. 
Love to all this new year with it's fresh starts,
We got this
 LeeAnna

linking to: 

  Free motion by the River Tuesdays   
Our World Tuesday
https://stitchallthethings.com/ to do Tuesday 

design wall Mondays at smallquiltsanddollquilts
lovelaughquilt.mondays
Main Crush Monday
the mop link party mondays
sew can do mondays
 scrap happy Saturdays
sewcanshe Saturdays 

Can you relate?

we are near the end the first month of the new year. Can you believe it?

My mantra for this year is USE IT. Use my supplies, use my ideas, use my time in a great way, use my skills, use my eyes to see and ears to hear. Read my books, play my instruments, use communication skills to reach out to others. Enjoy my magazines, write my stories, watch BBC shows that I love. Try techniques and patterns I've owned for a long time. Put into motion some ideas.

It is so overwhelming I sit down and watch TV.

(I would be mindlessly playing games on the IPAD if my eye condition were better)
You never know what you have til you lose it. I whined about my spine issues til my eye condition showed up.

In life, there are always obligations, maintenance, daily chores to do.  I'm not even discussing those today.

Since retirement, I am lucky to have time to explore my creative side. Even fun stuff can be overwhelming! Can you relate?

Some of what I want to do:
1. Read the books checked out from the library before they're due. Fiction, non fiction, quilting, knitting, beading, creativity exercises.

some are mine, some are library!

 2. Do the creativity exercises
3. Write a story every day, or at least once a week
4. Set last year's BOM's into quilt tops
5. at least organize my UFO's  if I can't seem to finish any. Know where they are.

This is a young UFO, just needs binding sewn down!

6. update my finished quilt list which means find the quilts not yet listed, which brings me to...
7. organize the pile of finished quilts so I can find them and are ready to show in the next lecture

not all of the 200+ quilts to organize

 8. Pull out a stash book and use it somehow, at least one a month

9. Let go of some supplies I will never use, such as clay, because of the smells while cooking
10. Paint and draw more often...Check!

11. keep in contact with friends
12. look through my stacks of magazines, and for pete's sake, recycle them!!!

13. wash the new fabric
14. re wash the old batiks three times so I can finally use them
15. use my cool fabrics in something. No Really. USE THEM

waiting to find a home in the stash!

16. watch more  bbc shows
17. play my ukelele again, this time with a shoulder strap
18. listen to more books on disc
19. use up that knitting yarn  KNIT SOMETHING EASY
20. start a link party here at Not Afraid of Color
21. Read fun blogs, do BOM from them, and write this one!

Just a few of the fun things I would like to do. That's not even counting lose 50 lbs, clean out the basement, find a different house, love my husband and poodle, and drink more water.

you might also like on-keeping-lists.

Connections... tyiing up loose ends at year's end

My word of the year for 2015 was Connections or connect.

I learned a lot, not all of it what I expected. 

Contemplating the meaning behind the word "Connection" has changed me. 

By choosing that word, I began to notice the large and small connections that make up my life. I chose to really see them this year and think about their value. 
Because I was aware of this I took more risks in reaching out to others. I was aware they might reject my attempts, and was able to cope when they did. 

I was also able to rejo8ice when they reached back to me. 
I noticed the fleeting small moments too. The passing connections between myself and strangers for instance. In those moments were opportunities to connect just as in long-term relationships. 

I have come to understand the phrase, there's no place like home to reflect my relationship with my darling husband Drew. It's not a physical place, home, it's the sense of belonging, understanding and acceptance found in our union. 

I would love to share some of what I learned this year, these are some of the highlights and examples of connections...

Blogging has brought too many fine connections to list. I have formed relationships that are real and valuable. I have received and sent gifts to these new friends.

From joining weekly link parties I have gotten to know a community of like-minded makers. We laugh, and comment on each other’s work and I feel less alone out here because of it. To you all, thank you for connecting with me. I love you. 
I have initiated and participated in several artistic projects with individuals this year. One was sharing some hand-printed poppy fabric, one was interpreting the concept of Rock Wall, one was using silks. I have noted inspirations going back and forth between us, all of us better for the sharing. 

InkTober led me to drawing again. A sketch a day, sharing it here, lead to a shared project between Carol and myself. Now sketch buddies, we share the prompts and our drawings with each other.  It’s so good to have a safe person to show less than perfect work. Trust is built that way. 

 

Protect, teach, love are the goals of any parent

I write longhand letters to my girlhood friend Lane. She wanted to do this instead of emails and calls. It harkens back to a slower time, one of personal contact. She has touched the letter and thought about what to write as have I. We are trying to reconnect after life intervened. She knows my past like no other. 

I admit that even as an extrovert, I embrace the solitary life of an artist working alone at home. However… it can be lonely too. I asked the Universe for a good  local friend to share experiences with.  I am happy to say there are several people stepping into that space now. It takes time to build good friend trust, as well as like-mindedness, humor, joy, a willingness to be real, sharing of interests, and a bit of magic.   How lucky am I to have found friends, both long distance and local .Distance does not stop us from the kind of sharing that makes for a relationship. 

I am sure, there are more events that I meant to keep track of but didn’t. My style is to jot down notes, lose them, and wonder why I am not organized. 

My husband asked what I hoped to learn this year. I guess I hoped by choosing this word I would have lots of meaningful connections appear. As per usual there was much more to be learned, lessons both gentle and difficult.  When you choose a word of the year, you must be prepared for all permutations of it, and I shudder to remember the year I chose self esteem. The universe kicked my spirit that year! But I learned. And grew. 

* I can make small talk, but focused on real connections this year. As time went by I began to fine tune my definition of the word and what I wanted from it. I no longer have much patience with pretense, so I learned to put my efforts into relationships that held more meaning for me. 

*   I learned  not all connections are  good or healthy. It’s not always easy to tell which is which, either.

·         Some connections can and should be changed.  I found myself in the position of having to move beyond a few this year as well as make new ones. Letting go is not easy for me, and not trivial. It does not always mean forever either. Connections can change, become closer or more distant, go away and return anew. While I knew that mentally, it was brought home this year. 

*  That being said, there are people I want to re-connect with in the coming year. I reached out to some already, and know that although relationships may change they can grow and continue. There is always hope. 
 

Peace

*  Connections can be between people, as well as between people and their pets, their environment, their bodies, their work, their spirits, and more. It is a bond of sorts. Some strong some tenuous. I read many books on life after death this year, and spiritual connections took on new meaning. 

*The Book of Forgiving, written by Desmond Tutu and his daughter changed my life. 
I did not want to read it. I was drawn to it at the library in a strong way and I rebelled. Forgiving those who seriously hurt us, ( who take no responsibility for that) seemed beyond me. It seemed like saying the acts were okay.The steps are simple yet hard to achieve. Honoring oneself as a survivor, understanding and acceptance are keys. 
Redesigning a relationship, or releasing the relationship is your final step.

 I experienced a transformation of sorts, but I realize it’s a process and I will continue to make sense of it over time. I learned so much from reading this book. I recommend it to everyone.

*     It came to me this year, on a walk where I was contemplating the connection with a horrible neighbor, (not all connections are good) that just about all the problems in the world stem from fear. It may be hidden in anger or hate but it starts as fear. If we can see that, and respond to another’s fear instead of their ugly behavior maybe we can heal. 

* Connecting can happen in an instant, meaningful interactions can happen even between strangers. I have had magical serendipitous moments all year. I made the effort to speak to a person if I felt drawn to them, opening the door to a moment. The most astounding day was when I ran into another dog walker that I've met before but never really spoken to much. She and I made a decision to be real on this day. We discovered so much in common, and my hope is it turns into a friendship. I came home energized and surprised by the interaction.

*      I learned that you can become more connected to one’s self. For me this came in the form of acceptance. There are many things I would like to change and improve about myself. This year I realized there are also many things of value about myself, and I decided to form a real connection with me too. See the positives as well as the needs improvements. Accept the frailties of emotion and body as part of life. Treat myself more like I would a friend. 

*     I connected with my work more this year. Making just what interested me, and stretching to experience more creativity. I went to galleries, talked about process with others, interviewed other artists. I hope next year to write several articles in an effort to connect with a large audience. In speaking to groups, and teaching what I know, there is a connection formed with others. It’s not easy to prepare for that but it’s so rewarding.I love it!

*  I re-connected with my love of writing and painting this year. Drawing each day taught me to see in a new way. 

* I learned a lot that must remain private. Not everything should be spoken aloud. Some of the most profound experiences are quiet.

*   I did not send out the connection project quilts as I expected to do. I am not abandoning the project, I delayed it until I feel the time is right to release them. Until I feel comfortable letting them go. 

*      I have long believed we are all connected. Reading the book of forgiveness brought that home as well. We cannot afford to pretend that we aren’t. We may not relate to some people, may actively not like some people, may be rejected by some people, but we remain connected by a silver thread. 

* I will be bringing this word into the next year with a couple of projects. One is with a young woman adopted by our neighbors, brought here from another country in her teens, and is blind. I will be doing a project with her this year so I hope you stay tuned. 

As in other years, the previous words continue to resonate and mingle in new ways. Over the years, I have explored the words self esteem, joy, happiness, release and others. They all stay with me, and mingle as if they are at a party. They become a part of me. 

I have tried to compress a year’s experience into one post and am sure I have missed important details but you get the drift. I have not chosen a word yet for 2016 but I will. It’s been an important process for me the last 10 years or so. I hope you also choose one, and are open to all the word brings you. Be brave! Be open! 

Please consider that connection with others, including me, as the gift that it is. I hope to continue my connection with you all this year.Love, LeeAnna