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about this time of year I pick a word focus for the next year...
not this year. I'm tired. I'm worried. I am lonely and not my best self.
there... that's pretty honest, and I am honest.
So I go into 2022 appreciating what I still have, but with less hope and excitement than I've ever had. Only thing I can do is keep going best I can. It's not enough but it is... what it is....These feelings remind me of a time when...
... long ago, I lost hope at finding love and a family. I acknowledged abuses from childhood and it rocked my world. I prayed to escape the loneliness, from feeling unwanted, from lack of hope. I went to work daily, I cared for my dog, and from the outside I looked normal. Inside it was like looking in a shattered mirror.
When out walking one day, I crossed a busy street, tears running down my face, and heard an unmistakable voice in my head. I actually stopped for a moment causing some horns to honk. I looked around me for a person, startled. The voice had said clearly,
"stop asking me how to die and ask me how to live".
I am a spiritual woman, I believe there is more under heaven and earth than can be seen, and I believe we as humans come to this world to experience, learn and grow. I instinctively knew that was God's words. I asked, how do I live?
A therapist told me, during a particularly difficult time of learning to deal with past abuses, that the only thing to do was deal with the pain. There is no easy way out or around it, just through it to strength. I soldiered on eventually learning how to format my childhood. Miraculously I did meet my soul mate a few years later. However...
Life continued to send me obstacles this time by way of physical injuries
I continued to learn how to forgive and move forward, this time with support of a husband.
Too much for a blog? Don't want to hear this? All I can say is I betcha I'm not alone in dealing with pain of various kinds and there is support in sharing life with others. We can support each other, and everyone needs support at some time in their lives.
This is me sharing... at the start of a new year
My goal is to balance the loneliness, hopelessness at instability in my beloved country, and the hate spewed online toward other humans, with creativity, learning and experiencing what I can from the safety of home. I have much and if I can keep my eyes on what is good, then a balance is achievable.
some people say look at the bright side, and there is a bright side. That doesn't negate the other side of uncertainty, lack of security, pain and fear. People are complex and denying the pain doesn't make it go away.Acceptance of both sides of the coin is a tool to power through the darkness.
goals this year for me:
get a new phone and learn to use it (replacing the extinct "barbie" sized one that has failed to keep up, study another language (Italian) sew and paint a lot, trying new techniques and sharing results with you here, talking to friends via zoom or phone to reduce isolation, reading good books and returning those that don't interest me with no guilt, reducing the recordings on my dvr, clearing off the kitchen table, being patient with my good husband and our poodle son. Possibly actually turning in an ancestry test finally. Putting the dust ruffle on our bed that I've meant to do for three years now. Learning to make new recipes, and opening the piano keyboard I've owned for years and maybe taking some lessons. I used to play piano. Allow myself to find fun where I can online or by resting, or being outside. Pray for goodness to overcome evil, and that our democracy holds with respect for all citizens
Now...a friend of mine recently wrote on her blog, this statement. It stunned me with it's honesty and beauty. ( from SewPreeti quilts)
I join you, Preeti in choosing to be honest and promote goodness.
"It has been a difficult year beginning
with a deadly attack on the very heart of our democracy. While many
Americans resist vaccines, masks and distancing guidelines, the virus
continues to evolve with strains that are deadlier and more contagious,
resulting in an increasing number of breakthrough infections. The
assault on our democracy, our voting rights and our bodies continues. It
seems like a helpless situation and I don't have any answers. But we do
have choices.
In every situation we have a choice - to speak the truth and do what is right. I promise to do both.
As
I put 2021 in the rear view mirror and the road ahead seems unclear, I
pray for goodness to overcome evil, wherever it may be. I hope you will
join me." Preeti's quote
I saw the mask meme on http://scrappingcavewoman.blogspot.com/ .
My view: We are in a world wide health crisis that has changed all our lives.
Denying it is real is unproductive.
people seem to think they have the absolute right to do anything they want as if they are still 2 years old. Noone can do anything they want without consequences. Just my opinion... go about your day if you disagree.
To those who listen and care, thank you, a goodness is never wasted. As my friend Nancy says, it's a Mitzvah.
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