Friday, August 5, 2016

Who tells the universe?

Doesn't the Earth know what happened?

It's all different--the World changed last week

Everything is different.
Even time changed. Each minute became like days.
Days of grief and emptiness.
Waves of guilt at making a final decision mix with loss. 

The World continues to turn however, people go to work, they move around me in a slightly blurred way.

I move slowly as if stepping gently will ease the pain.

I had to eat. My stomach hurt all the time for three days, then hurt half the time, then only to remind me to eat.

I hated eating. I hated dinner time coming around as if nothing had changed. It is so trivial... eating. Just a necessity.
Chew. Swallow. Eating seems like a celebration but it should have a black cloth over it instead of being happy.

Hours must be filled but not with normal activity. What can possibly override the pain??

I wander.
I drive to shops to leave the empty house.
I wander past brightly colored fabrics, past books I can't read, past pretty clothes and it has no meaning.
It fills an hour.

The tears surprise me. Hot intense tears.
I pick up and hug his duck toy. I see a chewed up ball he found on a walk and brought home hiding beneath a bush next to the front door. He knew certain toys were outside toys.

The squirrels romp in a now poodle-free yard.

Meal time rolls around regularly.


I have some old funny posts Cole wrote before he left. I have much to tell you all, those who came to know and love my son Cole's wit and kindness. I am writing a celebratory post of his life.
I am also writing a book. But...
I can't write now. 
My world is empty, my heart is broken.

46 comments:

  1. I am so so sorry- I too have lost my beloved dogs in the past and will be thinking about you. I've so loved getting to know Cole through your posts and will miss him even though I didn't know him in person.

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  2. So sorry to read about your loss LeeAnna. It's never easy making the decision to let go, it's the only thing we can do for them at the end, be there, say goodbye and hold the happy memories in our hearts. Thinking of you at this sad time.

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  3. So sorry to hear of your loss. I enjoyed Cole's posts and his antics. He will be missed.
    Hugs

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  4. Sending hugs and healing thoughts. Lots of love and peace for Cole.
    Preeti.

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  5. This is beautiful LeeAnna!
    words! you love words! keep writing!

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  6. Sending you love and hugs! Cole will always be with you in your heart. Much love!

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  7. I'm so so so sorry to hear about Cole. My eyes are filled with tears for you ...

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  8. I know so well the heartbreak. Very sorry for the loss of your beloved Cole.

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  9. {{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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  10. Please know my heart is breaking with you and while across the country share your grief and loss. This post was poignant, sweet, and sad all rolled into one. We all loved Cole and we all love you. I hope tender thoughts and sweet memories of your Cole's life provide you with some comfort. 💔

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  11. We had to let go of our most loved kitty. He had been ill with hyper-thyrodism, and under treatment. He quit eating. We watched him slipping away. Now he, too, is gone. Losing a loved pet is so hard. I will miss seeing Cole's pictures. He had become another pet to me.

    Cynthia

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  12. I'm so sorry, Lee Anna! Sending you hugs from me and puppy kisses from my fur-kids.

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  13. I have known your pain too often. I know that the decision you had to make was beyond difficult but was the kind decision. It was an act of love. Know that Cole is waiting at the rainbow bridge where you will be united once again.

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  14. I knew this post was coming, but that doesn't make it any easier. So sorry for your loss. It's clear how much Cole was a huge part of your life. Take your time. We'll wait for you.

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  15. I am so sad to hear about your loss. We have lost four dogs and I understand your grief and send you many hugs. When our house rabbit died I cried at work and had to go home-no one understood.
    May you meet at the Rainbow Bridge and may the memories that today bring tears in time bring smiles when thinking of the love Cole shared with you.

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  16. Leanne, I am so sorry to hear of Cole's passing. The bond we share with our furry family is so unique and different. Sending you lots of love.

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  17. i am so sorry for your loss of a great teacher and furry family member. iT is a huge love transformed from earth bound to the chambers of your heart, yours and your husband. i was at a total loss when i had to put down my sweet Lily, the filly companion of 20 plus years.Hugs for you from me and Ruby. Please rest and take great care of yourself in this strangeland of grief.
    Sonja

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  18. I am praying for you. I wish there was some great something I could say, but you know there's not.

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  19. I can offer no better words than to say I understand. And I pray.

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  20. My dear LeeAnna, I am so very sorry for your loss of Cole. I truly enjoyed his posts here and I know you will miss him terribly.

    Time does ease some of the pain. I know you can't right now, but soon I hope you can enter your studio and work on something to help you work through your grief. It will help.

    Cole will meet you at the Rainbow Bridge.

    Big hugs, dear.

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  21. Crying with you ... consider yourself hugged.

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  22. Oh, LeAnna, I am so sorry. I had been thinking about Cole just this morning. Now I am sad, missing a poodle who I never got to meet in person! You made him come alive for all of us with your words, and he will live on in many memories. Prayers for you three.

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  23. Big hugs to you. I too will miss the big guy and his stories. They were always so much fun to read. Do take care. Mary Ann

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  24. My heart is breaking for you and do understand. I'm glad to see you posting on your blog. It sounds like writing might help to heal . God bless and do what you need to do to get through this horrible time in your life. It will get better 🙏❤️

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  25. So sorry to hear of your loss. Have you heard of the rainbow bridge? If not, please check it out - it has helped me in the past.

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  26. I am so sad to hear of Cole's passing. It is heartbreaking to lose any dog. But a Standard Poodle is special, so very special. Thank you for sharing him with us.

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  27. I am so sorry for your loss. Our pets leave such an imprint on our hearts.

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  28. I suspected something was wrong when you hadn't posted for a few days. I know how important Cole was to you and your husband and I offer you my condolences. I will miss his posts. Be consoled knowing that you gave him the best life possible.

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  29. Oh LA I'm left with tears in my eyes as I finish your post. PLease take comfort knowing I'm thinking of you in my heart. Sending hugs. V:)

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  30. Hugs hugs hugs and prayers for you all.

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  31. Getting to know Cole through your loving eyes has been a joy. Tears and hugs to you both.
    Diane

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  32. ((Hugs)) to you both!! I loved Cole's front porch visits just as much as his funny posts. I always looked forward to seeing where he went shopping . He made me smile :-)....Love ya

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  33. Oh LeeAnna I am so, so sorry; my heart is breaking for you. Cole had a good, good life and knew he was loved and though I know nothing can help you right now, that is something to remember. All my love.

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  34. My heart is with you. I'm sorry honey.

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  35. Oh, sweetie, I'm so so sorry.

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  36. I am so sorry for your loss, I always enjoyed reading about Cole!

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  37. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I so enjoyed Cole's stories. It is so hard to lose our fur family members. Eventually, you will be able to remember without the tears. Until then I will lift you up in my prayers.

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  38. Oh, no. I'm so sorry to see this. It's SO hard to lose a furry family member. They are such a constant loving presence in the house, it feels much too empty when they're gone. Sending big hugs your way! Writing about him is a good idea. I found that helped when we lost each of our dogs. I hope you'll remember him with more smiles than tears sooner than you would think!

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  39. Your touching post defines the deep chasms of grief when a dear pet passes.

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  40. Oh, dear. So sorry to read this. Cole's posts will be missed. Karen

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  41. I am so sorry to read of Cole passing. I especially enjoyed his posts. I too will miss him. I've been there before and will be again.

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  42. From your posts and pictures of Cole, I feel as though I knew him. What a loss! I'm so very sorry for the silence in your home and the pain in your heart.

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  43. LeeAnna, I am so very sorry to hear about Cole. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

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  44. The pain eventually fades, it is hard tho, keep a smile and his memory in your heart. I still miss my dog after 3 years, but since then I also lost my Mom and my husband. What a harsh time it has been. And I retired so now I have an empty house to fill with color and quilts. Keeping busy with quilting was not the answer I thought it would be, it has taken time and rest to get back to the art of quilting. I loved Cole's thoughts and excursions, a book sounds like a lovely idea. and P.S. I ended up with 2 cats :)

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  45. My heart goes out to you Lee Anna. Your adventures with Cole and your stories about him were a joy for all of us. Peace be with you.

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