Doesn't the Earth know what happened?
It's all different--the World changed last week
Everything is different.
Even time changed. Each minute became like days.
Days of grief and emptiness.
Waves of guilt at making a final decision mix with loss.
The World continues to turn however, people go to work, they move around me in a slightly blurred way.
I move slowly as if stepping gently will ease the pain.
I had to eat. My stomach hurt all the time for three days, then hurt half the time, then only to remind me to eat.
I hated eating. I hated dinner time coming around as if nothing had changed. It is so trivial... eating. Just a necessity.
Chew. Swallow. Eating seems like a celebration but it should have a black cloth over it instead of being happy.
Hours must be filled but not with normal activity. What can possibly override the pain??
I drive to shops to leave the empty house.
I wander past brightly colored fabrics, past books I can't read, past pretty clothes and it has no meaning.
It fills an hour.
The tears surprise me. Hot intense tears.
I pick up and hug his duck toy. I see a chewed up ball he found on a walk and brought home hiding beneath a bush next to the front door. He knew certain toys were outside toys.
The squirrels romp in a now poodle-free yard.
Meal time rolls around regularly.
I have some old funny posts Cole wrote before he left. I have much to tell you all, those who came to know and love my son Cole's wit and kindness. I am writing a celebratory post of his life.
I am also writing a book. But...
I can't write now.
My world is empty, my heart is broken.